I am grateful for my job. I am grateful to work. I love challenges. I am happy.
I am grateful for my job, and… I am tired.
When I logged into my work laptop, I was surprised to see that I had signed up for a mental health session called “Battling Burnout” scheduled for today. Maybe Past Leandra was worried about Future Leandra. Present Leandra would’ve been so caught up in projects and regular work that she would’ve missed it if it weren’t on the calendar. Past Leandra cares, which is very rare. Present Leandra is grateful.
Anyway, I might be experiencing burnout.
Being someone who has many firsts in my family, it feels like I’m being ungrateful when I admit that I have burnout. Burnout is inconvenient. It serves no purpose other than to remind me that I have limitations and I need to listen to my body when it speaks. At this point in my life- LSAT preparation, law school admission, work projects, potential promotions, taking care of my heathens charges niece and nephew, friends- I don’t have time for burnout. What frustrates me the most is that regardless of whether I have the time, the tiredness takes over and clears my entire schedule for a nap-turned-deep-sleep. And that continues the cycle of anger and feeling like I don’t have a grip on anything around me.
This Battling Burnout session at least helped me admit to myself that this isn’t normal tiredness. It’s not normal for me to be bored at work. It’s not normal for me to feel constantly overwhelmed. It’s not normal for me to come back from a vacation and feel like I didn’t even leave.
I don’t know how I’ll get over this. I just know that I will. Regardless of the obstacles in front of me, I am still Leandra. The headstrong Leandra that only needs to know that she’ll make it out just fine.
But I’m still tired.
And I’m still frustrated.
And I don’t know how to jump the hurdle.
But I’ll go ahead and get my sneakers laced up.
Being tired doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful. It means I’m human.
Leandra Colley 